hmm luxury is not an option for me..

hmm let's see..
im broke.. again.. im left w 20 bucks till end of feb!!
i hope somewhere in the mid week i get surprise money or sumthin..
hmm.. i was this time and for real prepared myself to tender resignation..
then, ( see this happens evrytime i take out a pen or made up my mind to quit mcd which held me in mcd for the past 3 yrs)

the msg came..
"riyan and christine.. better get ready for my verification. All homework (me.. none done!) need to be done by the time i come. Read store email.." fr kamsiyah (my SAE)

damned.
how nie? i havent done anything as mcd mgrs never gave me a chance to do my job.. and i never had a chance to see myself bloom.. the are so kulit ppl.. christine had done evrything but she is one stress wrecked person. me im ok, im am confident but theory werk ive not done anything.

___________________________________________________________

ok enuf werk talk..
im currently surveying and findin a new job..
help mie ppl.. i wanna werk!!! somewhere.. NO FNB..
NO FULLTYME and NO NETWORK MARKETING!!!

wtevr..
ok here's wad happen tday..
in schl evryone was so moody.. whole dae ive been with the gerls laughing our ass off the jokes we made up..

i had a lot to eat though but i was really into apple juice.. esp red apple.. eyla loved green apple juice..
she's likes sour apples. me, really depends on my mood. i loved red apple juice though.. yummy.. haha..
ok.. after we had our brunch, we headed to the MPH and played handball.. crap i was so sweating sooo much, actualli i didnt want to play at all.. wasnt in the mood.. is it the weather?
hmm.. then lesson ended and that's it evryone started to mind their own business.. no one went for aerobics.. that's a piss off.. ayin met mar, eyla went home, me went home then i got a call from chee keong.. hehe.. to the rescue.. he saved me from a 5 min boring train ride home.. wasnt in the mood to tok to kip la.. im so "i-dont-wanna-tok-to-hym-right-now"..
got home, msn wif chee keong and then he went off and i fell asleep. deep sleep. really tired.

then got a call from yangyang.. he called me and demanded to come at jrg point that instant.
omg! i got a hangover and it hurts all over plus the bruise i got from mamad when we knocked on our wrists while i was reaching out to hold on to the grab pole of the MRT.. damn i have a contusion..
it still hurts.. anyone can urut for me.. pweesshhh.. i can do it myself coz once it hurts i will back out.. haha.. ferst tyme kan.. haha..
ok so he bought liyang a ______ for her which is so _______ and beautiful.. so sweet.. but it wasnt her size.. damned.. hahaha..
hmm the cashier gerl was cute her name was nicole lim.. that's hot! haha.. instant crush..
then we he presented her the gift.. hmmm i become "why-am-i-single?" again..

damned.. guess i'll alwaes be..
hmm sumone asked me why i didnt wan to have a gf.. hmm i have no idea.. no luck.. so i guess i'll just grow old a bujang.. die alone.. no children.. there's always adoption.. for a single dad? hmm heard of single mum adoption but never a single dad adoption.. no wife? i always dreamt of having a wife to love.. someone beautiful and caring.. hmm..
when am i gonna go dating to find a "potential wife"?
wtver..

*-------*jiwang moment*-------*
as far as i know i am in so called 'love' wif tt someone.. am i really in love or not? or is it just me n myself and my own delusion?
hmm ___ claimed a lot of things..
but never preach of wad is saed..
made promises to me and then breaks it in my face..
me.,. im a shadow lover.. shadowed.. never noticed by you..
u never wanted to notice me.. never did took the time of day to actualli spend the whole dae wif me...
it's alwaes about you and tt other someone.. for tt person you are willing to die for.. but me.. im here.. willing to die for you but you never want to acknowledge that..
i know we have differences but we have a lot in common..
you always get tt someone evrything even if u cant afford the money, the effort the tyme..
things that im alreadi getting for you..
evrydae i cant sleep becoz of you.. i can eat properly becoz of you.. i can do thing properly becoz of you.. you've spoilt me, fed me, gave me love but you disown me the moment you meet that someone..,.
i treat you as precious as my bestfrens.. thy are indeed the best thing tt happen to me..
but you are the evrythin that i cant get.. you are the one i want to love.. you are the answer to my evry prayers..
you are the ONE.. but it seems im the onli one tt is on at this.. you are exactly the reason why i am single all this while.. you are the torturer of my hart.. you are the answers to why im hurting evry nite.. the music to the dance that im dancing to but the music doesnt play for me but for tt someone.,.
you are a hypocrite.. hate it soo much tt i love you..
tried so hard to forget you, just make you a fren but u are alwaes the one tt shines.. even brighter than my family, my bestfrens and evrything else i have...
you are the light in the darkness i have been in all this while but you shut me out thanks to tt someone..
what kind of person are you.. and youve even cheated while you are with tt someone.. wtf is tt..
im hurt by you.. thanks for evrything.. now ive got to move on and numb myself real bad..

i know my place.. im not made for you... my love.. god is punishing me.. and im taking it in wholeheartedly.. i deserved this..
hmm..
but god is not all bad..
he granted me bestfriends that i'll never forget and will alwaes treasure..
love you guys so much..
Love is not an option or a chance for me to take..but a series of unfortunate things that i have to face in life.. will i ever truly find tt LOVER of mine? when my hart will alwaes be wif you?
i want to somedae die for tt someone.. love her.. have children with her.. be a good father for our kids..
guess i'll never get my dreams..

This explains well:

*-------------* end of jiwangs *----------------*

besties out there.. dun wori.. im ok.. sad but ok..
imagine this happened plus all the bad things tt happend to me lately..
been at this since NOV 07.. wat a year huh.. to tt someone in my hart.. i hate you yet i love you, you'll alwaes be in my hart but i have to move on.. love is vast and i wanna spread my love to evryone i know.. not just you anymore.. you take it for granted even when ure not around. the object of my affection.. hmm..

so still think im a loser?
haha
i find myself a loser..

hmm
now ayul is gg to resvc lakk..
sad sey wont get to see hym for 3 weeks till 7th mar..
hmm the person tt i turn to so much..
hmm idiot hym.. haha
make me wekk..

hmm oh yar.. cont wif my story..
yangyang blanjered me food..
he saed " this is something small for evrything you've done for me.."
he made me wekk.. haha.. really touched my hart to hear tt from hym..
LJS.. i was full but i just went wif the flow.. as he is famished..
ciann dier..
hmm..
then went off to send liyang home..

hmm thurs he'll be meeting her again..
damned luks like im gnna miz out JUMPER uh nie..
damned..
nvm la..
anw i wanna watch PS I LOVE YOU..
anyone can watch it wif me?
if possible yangyang go wif me la.. i wanna watch it.. haha
with anyone also can..

i heard it's hart warming..
hmm mushy2 again...
hahah
things i'll never feel..

kla signing off..

hmm wad a dae..

ok
started tdae from a phone call from eyla..
i was about to take a shower..
but we managed to joke ard..

hmm..
got to schl there we had was test conducted by Carine ..
Ppl that got A was petak( of all humans in the werld), eyla, bobot and syafiq..
petak was the surprising one..

hmm then i had the werst case senario of sembelit
and it was hurting my stomach real badly..
hmm then yang2 sms me..
tday he wanna learn TSR wif me..
i studying FOA n HFA la..

he came to my house and dad was ard..
wtevr..
he actualli saed my dear yang2 is gg to rape desy..
wtf..
please la..
da slalu berzina nie la dier kwn org jadi binasa.

hmm..
till here then,
im really wanting to watch JUMPER on 14th Feb..
cant waet!
i hope tt person nvr paitao me again..

wee~!!!

not a good dae that went by me..

hmm..

ytd..
went to Ventura Ace meeting..
bunch off deceitful ppl..
sae tt they r wara' uh this la tt la..
owns a lamboughini la earns 10k a mth la..
then i just walk off la..
me n yangyang..
then we had dinner and i headed off to busu
yangyang went to khatib,,

at nyte he was suppose to come lor n sleepover again..
then he P me..
durr..
bored lor..

woke up morning, pissed!
bored! yawn here and there..
got boxes and packed up my stuff..
im readi to move out..
dun know where dont know when..
i just want to move out..

i hate myself aishk!
hmm..
i just dumped evrything in the boxes and sealed it..
bags books clothes evrything..
after tt did laundry..
i was pretty much pissed thruout the dae..
then my mum came home..
bising lagik..
damn!

skarang nie baru dpt access to internet.
mamad was online...
chat wif hym evryting was gr8..
then i decided to disturb ayul la..
i saed uh "tk lyn.."
i giggled.. he took so long..
he IM me.. " wakk" n "warkhh"
so.. (since im bored)
i saed
"sudah la ko tk nk layan ko uh.. tk nk layan aku jerr.."
then he saed
"mpek uh"
and logged off!

wtf?!
he angry uh?
damned..
i was just kiddin ard..
i smsed hym he didnt bother..
i called him he reject..
OMG i made him pissed!!!
omg omg!!

dunnoe wadd to do liao!!
damn damn damn damn damn!!
aiyooo...!!!

wad i really think.

hmm im msning wif eyla..

opening up so much to her i almost feel bare..

im telling her wad i feel..
esp about myself..
i feel like a loser la..
hmm...
neglected by family n frens it seems..
im catchin up to them not going w the flow..

hmm..
she was shocked..
she never met a person who never had an ex..
yup! its me!
the loser who doesnt had an experience in life..

hmm tt gerl farah allegedly my 'ex' doesnt count as i didnt even have memories of us being together,, at all.. dont get me wrong.. we never went out togethr.. but she claimed im her ex bf..
wtevr..
then came maria umairah,, tt one;'s a bummer..
rejected.
got her bestfren to do it..
reason: coz im in N(A) she;s express..
lame. i tot..

gave up ever since tt..
i really liked her..
then i focused more on gettin besties..
apparently backstabbing plays a big role in finding a girl bestfren.
i found two.
still love them like my sisters..

now..
fyi my additional besties..
mamad, ayul, eyla n ayin.
hmm kewl huh..
mamad of course is the closest of them all..
he change me from a bad ass fcukin asshole to
current me..
the nice person, or so..

hmm as i was saying..
well life being single..
great.
free.. but..
im alone in this declaration of independence.
always left out.

like thay say "better to be loved. than not to love at all"
hmm.. true..
me. never been loved before.
lost the mojo babes..
im super cold and hartless.
numbed my hart.
cant accept ppl anyhow.
im choosy..
as again " u'll never have wad u always wanted."

hmm gave up on love for 2 yrs from when im 15..
then came evelyn.,
she;s cute awesome gr8.. yett.. wasnt mine,..,
respected tt.. but each dae fell for her..
again a yr plus and she started tantrum.
that's the end of it,
now we;re the biggest enmies ard..
when i werk ard her only she's throw tantrum.
now back to giving up to love,,
like, is different.,.
i like a lot of others..
but love..
never will taste it..

being wif singles..
gr8 esp when theyre ur besties..

being wif couples.
im the lamp-post.
the tree..
always have been, alway will be huh?

on group dates?
yup. the 5th wheel.
never there..
im like an illusion..

ard family?
im invisible..
though im alwaes mentioned.
im invisible..
cousin's ditched me..
for whu?
matreps n minah..
hmm..

frens?
u know or not they sincere?

close frens?.
like biscuit..
sjap ader sjap tkder..
catergory? qahar eg..
nice boy but alwaes disappear..

besties?
my werld...
but all attached.
wif anna, pak jad
ayul, sayuri
mira, yat
mamad, yana
eyla, din
ayin, ???
(not so sure bt it)
so evryone has their set huh..

they did ask me to get someone..
am i prepared for the hartbreak?
waet!
i dun even knoe how to approach someone be it
getting heart broken..

guess this loner will be by hymself..
not necessary sad.
maybe devastated but mindin his own business..
knowing tt he'd just blend in..
good luck there..
being pessimistic huh..
hmm
mayb need to see a professional?

see how la..

hmm.. i gotta go my own way.. says Ruiyen

Totally paitoaed Mcd..
watever..
no mood to werk at all..
hmm but looking forward to werk at MDIS..

hmm
after skool i went home..
changed and went to busu hse while waiting for my dear yangyang..
he send liyang home or sumthing..
hmm..
i was super bored and read some books on Alam Barzarkh..
freaky stuff there..

hmm met yangyang..
he thought nyai hse at tampines..
i tot he had to do sumthing at tampines..
in reality, nyai hse is at teban!! durgh!
wakaka..
we looked like idoits.. gg out and in of trains,
up n down of platforms and terminals.. then we went to nyai plc..
we ate assam pedas n ayam kicap.
then as usual..
nyai tried to convince me to loved her son..
watever..
i'll never like my dad..
tt two faced jerk..

hmm after tt went to Mcd to spent some cash..
me n yangyang shared the prosperity meal..
i had green tea. he had latte..
hmm..
then once bloated, we caught the shuttle bus and head home..

hmm..
after tt went home..
change.. planned wif yangyang to go fishing..
wee..
we home changed, showered and went out to meet yangyang..

hmm..
we set up everything..
then came liyang ad her family..
hmm..

we went here and there while i watched yangyang
jala-ing idiotic creatures of the sea..
then went fishing at nite..
aha..
spending guys nite out..
for tt particular moment only,,
at the back of my mind,
we;re not alone..

then the next dae, we went on the jetty..
where bad-ass yangyang braved himself and we to petik kupang down at the jetty..
and left me up on the jetty probably feeling bored..
with the damn hot sun, the long rod and me without any footwear walking on the sun-baked road...
damned it hurt..

hmm
then liyang's dad got packing,
packed the rod, the tent i was jus helping around..
propably it's best tt yangyang does his own thing coz pissing hym off is the laz thing on my mind..

well then we headed home probly the waet took lots of our tyme..
waet for this n that.. wif my stomache, i was quite restless..
got in the train of which we had to waet 10mins for tt damn train..

then thruout the way we slept,
mp3 down,
hp down..
yangyang hp down,
any further things tt can really piss me off?
hmm probably a lot..

then we got home,
mam rice and chix..
mama's cooking really work on my appetite..
finally i tasted real food!
then mama n papa got home..

yangyang faced the music..
damned..
thinnk im gonna buy _______ one of these daes..

then we head to crib and settled down..
the PAYU was less than $1..
i was like damn..
ibu brought the key how to top up..
damn..
me n yangyang jus slept and cuddled down in e darkness till ibu got home.
i was hugry again! ibu never cook.. but i juz downed the nutrisoy soya bean..
that;s fair enough...

once ibu got home,
i quickly went for shower..
tot of wad happened in schl..
damned i miss chee keong n zhi ti..
haha..

then i got moody..
pissed raff off then went to sleep wif yangyang..
hmm..
i had weird dreams and was moving real vigorous..
i was jerking here n there and kept moving here n there..
rolled side by side..
yangyang just laid there motionless but he did had his fair share of sudden outburst of jerking ard..
i think it was the sea tt made us restless..
sea n sun!
sun really drained our energy..

woke up morning.
yangyang was bored and disturbed me from my sleep..
i was semi concious and turn the tv on..
watched the MOUSE marathon on every kids channel..
wtf..

hmm the raff created fault lor..
hmm then yangyang went off wif desy go dan;s bdae..
nvr invite me lor..
watever,,
hmm.. yangyang did offer but they nvr invite me lor..
dont wanna crash..
anw also i got the family kenduri at busu's
da la smalam jmpe kak ety and abg at smbwg park..
haha
miss them sia..

hmm..
now im super bored,, n pissed..
argh!

signing off..

hmm tryin to absorb the truth!

hmm read my ytd post?
hmm..
anger was so much overtaken me i forgot to tell u..
me, mamad, desy, yana, sayuri n ahlau had a surprise 'party' fr ahlau..
it was located: swiss culture, suntec city
we ate: chocolate fondue..
yumm!!!

hmm.. then we lepak at starbucks and played scrabble..
while i sip on two skyjuice and a cup of black tea latte
which tasted like poop-y! haha..

ok lar.. then got home and i had a huge super heated discussion wif my mum rgardin my dad.,.
tt caused the angry post..

while msn-ing wif ayul.. hmm vented my anger on him.. sorri bro..
vented my anger on desy.. my mum.. my brother, my nyai..
hmm just now i colled her to apologise..
hmm sorie nyai.. i love u..muax!

hmm tday we got a test..
ayul was the top student..
so jealous!!! 98/100 sey..
i didnt see my marks...

hmm i didnt go to silat.. too tired, unmotivated, malas and damn headche tt's affectin me until now!
then got home. got pissed. my dad at home.. went shower. slammed evrything i see..
then he got the msg and went in his room..
nvr mess wif me when im pissed..

hmm.. whole dae nvr meet yangyang..
i remembered he had tt biathalon..
poor him..

hmm..
me and ayul joked here n there in msn.. tt idiot..
planned to go drink hot teh outside uh.
kemaruk teh nie..

hmm...
best song to describe how im feelin?
piece if me n good gerl gone bad..
if got guy version? tt's me!

hmm.. yangyang super tired, im super tired n lazy..
damn..nuttin is good la..
hmm miss my frens liao..

k la signing off..

two daes in a post..

3 feb..

well i nvr knew saturdaes would suck so much but this is wad i experieced tt dae..
ok got to werk,
damn pissed wif _____ coz tt idiot ask me to do station (hashbrown).. terang2
im a STAR.. elaboration.. Store Activities Representitive...
my main priority is layaning customers.. n he is giving me station.. at this rate camner nk di-verified belo?!
then when i wanna pull out, still can sae, "are u qualified to conduct parti? anyone also can conduct parti wad. u r not verified right?" dalam ati mcm nk maki jer pukimak nie... "if u think it's easy, u do it la, i punch out.." mcm nk ckp aje.. babi!
then when i pull out buat pe'el.. babi.. muker da mcm babi..

then when i punch out ledi,
when eating wif _____.. we ate spicy.. both of us.. then christine came ajak mam pat old changkee.. so we went.. me n ___ nvr relii tok tt much skali suddenly bbl like da lamer gitu.. me noe her since oct.. i find her cute.. but slalu she v rude.. now v v nice.. and i fcukin falling for her..
damn!
when we ate, we shared nasi sambal la.. she spoonfed me.. all the way.. like seriously all the wae..
hmm mayb? mayb not?

met mamad spend tyme wif him then we had hell's kitchen... haha we cooked..

then we stayed over.. we had a great sleepover..


4th feb

gr8 dae spoilt by my dad..
ok me n mamad went
to family jemputanz..

I FCUKIN FOUND OUT MY STEPMUM... i swear to god i will nvr regard her as my mum unless for EVIL N SINISTER INTENTION.. this tyme im gonna let IBLIS CONTROL ME to take down this bitch and my dad!!! KEPALER PUKI MAK DIER LA!!! EVEN MY GRANDMOTHER IS AVOIDING ME TAU SANGAT YG AKU NIE MULOT JAHAT! LEBIH JAHAT DARI ALL HER FAMILY MEMBERS PUT TOGETHER!!! PUKI!!! CIBAI!!

i swear dad i will disown u once i get 21!! once i get 21.. i no longer rgard u as family!
u r my enemy till the dae u DIE!!!

i wish u death father!!!

hmm..

hmm.. made new frens liao..

hmm.. i made new frens tday.. Chee Kiong (CK), Zhi ti, Yangyang, Li Yang, Eileen and Yalee.. Met them at hall tday during practice..

veri short post la..

hmm..
apparently i would spend time wif them more la., maybe..
but my BFFs are still the bests..

hmm tday went to queensway w eyla n ayul..
spent tyme there then we ate charkuay rojak..
under the rain..
aww.. so memorable..

then went home..
slept and went i woke up,
mamad called..
he scolded me why i nvr pick up..
haha...
i xplained then he came to my house and
i went to his,
then we go out met yana..

met wif yana, and the plc is like so croweded..
damn.. i felt suffocated..
the we ate Long John where mamad was veri2 unfocused..
spilled chowder n stuff..
then we went to cut his hair..

then he sent yana home..
i went home la..
wat else to do..

hmm..
kla..
signing off..

listen to my life story tk akan abes.. 24 hours sad aje..
kk.
bb..